2014

It is really amazing that a single moment can change everything you think you know.

It starts with a spark. Something you read, something someone says, maybe something you see. Before you know it that spark turns into a fast burning wild fire that obliterates all truths and changes the way you see the world.

Sometimes it is horrible and rips your world apart with a cruel hand and you don't think you will ever recover. Every breath seems like a war against your heart and every moment seems to push you closer to breaking. But sometimes it is so bright and beautiful that you are blinded by it. It enhances the senses and your soul reflects all the good there is in the world and reminds you of how wonderful it is to be you....  just be alive. Either way it changes the way you see the world in small almost indistinguishable ways and in large earth shattering ways. No matter what - you will never be the same again.

My entire world was rocked on its axis in 2013. I lost some of the most important people I had in my life (some by their own choosing).  Some of the people I trusted and believed in most turned out to be untrustworthy and even cruel. It took everything I thought I knew and burned it to the ground. I was forced to take a long hard look at myself and at how I viewed the world.  From those ruins I realized that it was my own misguided views on the people around me that put me in that situation. I was so blinded by my belief in others that I didn't see the signs.  You see when I choose to trust I trust with my whole heart, my whole being.  It never crossed my mind that things wouldn't work out because the people I cared about most definitely cared about me and they would never hurt me. I held strong to that belief even as time and again it was disproved. My stubbornness brought me to this point. My inability to admit the possibility that I could be wrong. I want to make it very clear here that it is not other people that were at fault, but myself. I ignored facts and listened only to my heart. I have forgiven those who have wronged me because every one of them acted out in fear.

Fear is the biggest motivator this world has to offer. It can turn even the most well meaning individual to cruelty, to indifference. The world thrives on fear....fear of the future, fear of the past, fear of what is, fear of what isn't... fear of the unknown.

Don't get me wrong, it is not that I don't have fears... EVERYBODY has fears. It is how we FACE those fears that makes us who we are. It never crossed my mind to let those fears hold me back in any way. It just was never an option to me. I'm not saying I am better than anyone else. In fact I think it hinders me because I am constantly surprised and hurt when others are controlled by their fears. I don't understand it. A good example is Christians who teach to "love thy neighbor" and to "leave judgment to God" are viciously attacking the lifestyle choices of others. The once beautiful message is twisted by the fear of what they don't understand. The goodness they are trying to embrace gets twisted into something cruel and vicious. Suddenly anyone that is not like them needs to be "saved".  Suddenly they need to go on missions to teach the poor uneducated "heathens" of this world how everything they believe is wrong because only THEIR book, only THEIR way of thinking can possibly be right. Because if not then everything they know can be questioned. Fear causes people to act without thinking. I don't even know if I can blame them because I have never felt fear that was so great that it paralyzed my brain and turned me into a creature of instinct. 

I want to be clear to those around me. I do not need to be saved in any way. I am perfectly capable of saving myself. It is not unhappiness that makes me bluntly state my pains to the world. Anyone who says their life is perfect and they have never felt moments of darkness is a liar. Personally I would rather be honest. Yes I have felt depression, loss and heartache... but I have also felt joy, wonder and awe. Life is not about one or the other but a mixed roller coaster of emotions that constantly leaves you drained and confused and fascinated. I do not believe in God..  but I believe in the core goodness of those around me. I believe in freedom and helping those around you. I do NOT believe in judging others for you have not walked in their shoes. I am strong, I am independent and I am capable. I am in control of my life enough to be able to forgive all those who have wronged me. For holding on to anger would hurt me and change me in ways I refuse to allow.

Looking toward 2014 I see hope and potential. I will not let myself become jaded against the world. I will still look for the good that is buried deep within each and every heart. I will continue to try and make the best decisions I can without hurting those around me. Those who have hurt me I forgive you and you will always hold a piece of my heart even as I understand that we can no longer be in each others lives. I want you to know I understand. I forgive you everything as I hope you would forgive me. As always life goes on and I look towards the future knowing that even though there are hard times to come they are worth it. For every moment, every second I am here on this earth I am learning and changing in unbelievable ways.